Millions of children in the United States and its territories again will be able to enjoy a festive Christmas morning after the USCIS granted Santa Claus’ application for B-1 Business Visitor status allowing him to make his deliveries on Christmas Eve.
Mr. Brice Johnson, spokesman for the USCIS’ Office of Holiday Issues, told Dykema, “Mr. Claus always presents us with unusual issues. We have repeatedly requested a copy of his passport to confirm his nationality, an estimate regarding the length of his stay in the US and a list of the places he will be visiting. However, he gets a twinkle in his eye and just laughs in our faces.”
Dykema has also learned this approval took longer than expected due to the fact it had to pass through the Pentagon and the US Air Force. “We have to be concerned about any unidentified aircraft approaching the United States. Mr. Claus’ sleigh, being made of wood, has almost no radar signature. We often have to rely on thermal imaging to track his reindeer instead,” Colonel Sam Huntington told us. “However, speaking as a pilot, I have nothing but respect for his abilities in the air. He has forgotten more about reindeer than most pilots will ever know.”
Mr. Claus’ application was opposed by both the Association of American Toy Manufacturers (AATM) and the United Toymakers Union (UTU). Stanley Robinson of the AATM stated, “We continue to oppose Mr. Claus’ business practices. His continued use of those elves allows him to undercut our prices. We have reliable information that he doesn’t even pay them. Our members have a very difficult time competing with someone who doesn’t have to incur labor costs.”
Walt Johansson of the UTU told us, “Claus keeps exploiting our working brothers and sisters of the North Pole. They don’t get a living wage and their working conditions consist of undersized workshops. In addition, they are repeatedly forced to whistle while they work. This results in repetitive motion injuries such as sore facial muscles and chapped lips. Also, since he fired Hermey the Elf they don’t have a dental plan.”
Not everyone was opposed to his petition. The American Coal Association (ACA) once again went to the mat in support of it. “The shareholders of our members expect them to continue to expand their markets and naughty children are always fertile ground for us,” said ACA spokesperson Claire VanAckerman. “Santa’s order for lumps of coal can make or break their year.”
UPS did not take a position on Santa’s visa application. “We love logistics but we are amazed at distribution operations,’ said Sandy Weatherington, UPS’ Director of Marketing. “We would love to know how he is able to get every package to the right child year after year. He doesn’t even use bar codes!”
When contacted about this, the US Postal Service promised a response to our inquiry within 7-10 business days.