Dykema has learned, through reliable sources, that the B-1 Business Visitor Visa application of Mr. Santa Claus of the North Pole has been placed in administrative processing by a U.S. consulate due to a background check turning up the fact he has used several other names in the past. Without the visa, officials at the border can deny him entry into the U.S. on Christmas Eve.
When asked about this by Dykema, U.S. State Department spokesperson Sam Wainwright stated, “We’ve been under quite a bit of scrutiny about getting names right since Queen Elizabeth’s last visit to the U.S. It turned out she’s had a last name like everyone else her entire life (that was not picked up during our background check). Most of our people were completely unaware of this.”
Dykema has further learned that the Queen was not impressed with this mix-up and had to be repeatedly reminded that the royal command of “Off with his head” has been difficult to enforce on this side of the Atlantic since 1776.
FBI Director James B. Comey stated he was monitoring this matter and told Dykema, “A simple Google search shows Mr. Claus has personally used the names ‘St. Nick,’ ‘Father Christmas,’ ‘Kris Kringle’ and ‘The Big Man,’ among others. In addition, he is known by other names like ‘The Guy Who Banished Rudolf,’ ‘The Bergermeister’s Worst Nightmare’ and ‘Hinkle’s Horror.’ We have actionable intelligence to indicate this last name is related to him making the bad guy write the same thing 100 Million times for locking Frosty in that greenhouse.”
Unrelated to the issue of multiple names, Director Comey also pointed to a memo about Mr. Claus from the Cold War in which Former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover stated, “I also have concerns he might be a communist based on his equal distribution of toys every year. Whether he is an active agent of the Kremlin or an unknowing dupe is an open question at this time.”
Comey added the Bureau has recommended that if Mr. Claus’ visa is approved he be accompanied by a law enforcement officer at all times while present in the U.S. “Police Officer Burt the Cop has indicated he is available for this assignment. However, the fact that he seems to come from a town known as both Bedford Falls and Potterville raises the alias issue all over again,” he said.
USCIS Spokesperson Jacob Marley told Dykema, “These multiple names really slow things down. Last year President Obama was supposed to meet with Prime Minister David Cameron and was less than impressed when Air Force One touched down in London, Ontario. The Canadian airport workers were very polite, but all they wanted do was talk to him about hockey and Bob and Doug McKenzie.”
Just as this alert was going to press, Dykema learned Mr. Claus’ visa had been approved and his passport was being returned to him.
A U.S. Postal Service spokesperson told us, “Postmaster General Newman has assured Mr. Claus his passport and visa will be delivered within our express 21-45 day delivery window with the accuracy and reliability we are known for.”