No one should be lonely.

Not least business owners.

We have just the cure for your loneliness blues – five surefire ways that will bring the EEOC a ‘knockin at your door!

But use these cautiously – you don’t want too many such friends!

First:  Fire that employee for being pregnant — for her own good.

Sure, the Pregnancy Discrimination Act prohibits discrimination on the basis of pregnancy status, but you know what’s best for your employees; you’re like their father!  Especially the pregnant ones; no dusty office for her – she should stay home to protect herself and the unborn child!

Welcome EEOC!

Second: Ignore those whiny employees who can’t take a little ribbing or a few racy jokes.

Cracking jokes loosens up the workplace, especially if they are a little, let’s say, “spicy.” Indeed, the spicier the better; a good belly laugh makes everyone feel more collegial. Or a funny photoshopped naked picture of your favorite movie star; email it around – it’s just the ticket to get a few yuks.

Even better: let’s all tease the new employee about his/her body; what a great ****!   And a couple of pinches or groping can’t be that bad; it’s all part of what’s expected at work.

And when some employee takes offense, tell them that’s it’s just in good fun and to get a life!

Yep, the EEOC is sure to pay you a visit!

Third: See the applicant who suffers from blindness?  Or the one with the strange religion? Fuggedabout their requests for some type of accommodation: say, to help him get to the rest room by letting him use that empty office right next to it; or to permit her to work later on Thursday so she can make it to her religious service on Friday evening.  Don’t pay them any attention, or even respond to them — who do they think they are?

Or simply fire them.  You’re the boss, after all!

Fourth:  Take all those employees who just came to this country and can barely speak English and let them work in the windowless basement; they’re used to second-class treatment. Besides, they have no idea what their rights are or who to complain to.   And if they get uppity you can always put them in their place — tell them that you will call “immigration.”

Yep, that should keep them quiet, and also get the attention of the EEOC – a win-win situation!

Finally:  Fire that old guy in the production department; he’s worked long enough.  You need to make room for a younger, more energetic worker, not someone who reminds you of your grandfather and can barely make it up the stairs.

Nuff said.

Sure, I could go on and on about ways in which you can get the EEOC to pay you some deserved attention.  But I bet you can come up with more novel and creative ways than me.

So don’t be lonely anymore; make some friends at the EEOC!